This isn’t getting easier and I have a feeling that it never would. I miss you. And there’s no one I want to be with but you. You’re it for me. I love you. 

It was raining hard the other day but I needed to walk three blocks to get to the bus stop. The wind wanted to smash my umbrella. Rain and mud on my pants, soaked my feet. Hands freezing, right is for the umbrella, leftie trying to steady a wet cigarette. 

I ride the bus, I stare out the window and think of you. It’s always the same dream. Scene: In an airport, seeing you for the first time after a year. Just hugging and holding you tight. In the car ride, staring at you while you drive, kissing you not just at stop signs. 

I blink back the tears. Stare past the strangers’ blank faces. Looking beyond them and seeing you. Always seeing you. 

I see new things everyday and yet I feel so old. I look beside me, it’s empty. Words are left unspoken.

It’s just that I really miss you. so much. Every fibre in my entire being longs for you. Nothing makes sense and everything is stale. It’s like I am stuck in a grey world because you have all the colors in my life. I feel like I’m a walking and talking dead person. Just getting through every single day. I feel so empty without you by my side.

Today’s a good day. I passed my driver’s road test and got a full license. I also got a job today. It’s a great day.

I’ve been feeling devastated for the past few days, even asked you to help me come up with the money for my plane fare. I was ready to just get up and leave, and go home to you. 

But you persevered. You talked to me through it all. You never gave up on me. I must admit I’m really ashamed of how I sounded for the past few days, nay, months. And through it all, you’ve been simply amazing. You truly are my better half.

I’m very, very happy because I can finally start preparing for our life here. I was beginning to lose sight of our possible life here. All I wanted was to be with you. And I still want that. But I was prepared to go just go home to you, have a slow-moving life there with limited possibilities for our future. Now, I’m back on track - aiming for a better life and future for us.

I will always love you, J. Always remember that I am here because I want a better life for us. Giving up on a couple of years is going to be worth it.

I miss you always. I love you.